Monday, November 4, 2013


On November 1st I decided to participate in National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo), which requires one to post every day during the month.

On November 2nd I neglected to write a post and gave up.

I'm missing my mojo. This is typically my favorite time of year. I love the change of season, the celebrations of Chris's birthday, Halloween and Pacey's birthday in the space of a couple of weeks, and the official start to The Holidays. This year I just can't seem to get excited. The thought of putting together a card is overwhelming. I feel totally bogged down in STUFF that I can't seem to organize and manage so the thought of adding more stuff is just not appealing. I'm still not able to find time to exercise and I'm suffering mentally for it. It'll be winter soon which means more time indoors, trying to fill hours without going insane at the mercy of a chatty four-year-old.

It was around this time last year I found out I was pregnant and so it's been a full calendar year since things last felt stable.

The baby is having (I think) a growth spurt and may be starting to teethe. He's fussy and clingy during the day and where he was sleeping about 11 hours with just one wake-up to quickly eat, the past two nights he's been up multiple times. The unpredictability is the worst. Well, that and the fact I need some physical SPACE TO MYSELF and I just can't get it right now.

Pacey's still not 100%. It takes time to get over pneumonia, especially when you've been fighting it off for several weeks. But it means more time off school, and more time we are stuck at home. The way I'm a good SAHM is to NOT be at home too much. It's so isolating and I just don't have the mental energy to keep up the steady stream of stimulation the kids need. Although he's making progress and responded to treatment really well, there is still the low level underlying anxiety I get when he gets a bad respiratory illness. I feel so darn helpless against his compromised lungs and immune system. Plus, you know, I feel bad that he feels bad.

Brighton has taken her picky eating to a whole new level. I've written before about how I choose not to fight the food battles with her, in large part because I get it. I'm picky too. But now things that she has happily eaten for months are becoming suspect and, therefore, refused. Dried cranberries are "too black" or "too red." Apple juice (you know, just plain old apple juice) "smells not good." I have reached my limit with it and if she rejects something she has asked for and eaten happily in the past, I'm not offering alternatives. I know as well as the next person that you cannot force a child to eat, it's my job to put the food in front of her and her job to eat it, etc, but man, I feel like a crappy mom when she's not eating.

Jeesh, I guess it's good I'm not writing my own personal Guide to a Pity Party on here every day. That would get old pretty quick.

I am going to try to come back and write about some of the good this fall. The fun things we have done, the neat changes I've seen in the kids. Just need to work on an attitude adjustment first. Any suggestions?


Elsha said...

I'm sorry things are hard right now! I hope everything gets back to normal soon.

Navigating the Mothership said...

Oh I'm sorry all these things are happening simultaneously. The baby days...not easy when regular life continues to happen. Hang in there!!