Lost in Translation

What I say: "Please sit down in that chair, it's not safe to stand up."
What they hear: "Please lean harder against the back of that chair. It's exhilarating to watch and wonder whether today is the day you'll tip over and crack your head open."


What I say: "Sitting in your carseat is NOT. NEGOTIABLE."
What they hear: "Garden variety opposition is not going to cut it on this one. Perhaps if you arch your back and kick your legs at my face, I will consider allowing you to just drive the car."


What I say: "Please move your cup back from the edge of the table and try not to spill."
What they hear: "Pour one out for your homies. I need to mop anyway."


What I say: "You can have the iPad as soon as you are buckled into the cart."
What they hear: "I am an evil sorceress who has confiscated the iPad forevermore. Please relay your response at top volume."


What I say: "Next time, tell Mama when you need to go poop so we can go to the potty."
What they hear: "Oh how I love rinsing poop out of these adorable little underpants."


What I say: "In a minute, I need to finish doing this."
What they hear: "If you really want me to help you, you will need to repeat the request incessantly at increasing volumes or I might forget that you asked."


What I say: "Go get in the bath."
What they hear: "Please run naked into your sibling's room, laughing hysterically and shouting, 'Come get me mama!'"


What I say: "Go put your coats on, we're going to be late."
What they hear: "Blah blah blah de blah."


What I say: "I love you so much."
What they hear: "Tomorrow you should probably try harder to make me completely lose my mind."